Taking ownership of something means you are completely, 100% responsible for it.
The beautiful completed parts and the ugly broken pieces. Too often we associate being a queen with beauty, wealth, status, and power, but we overlook the fact that a queen is responsible for EVERYTHING and EVERYONE within the the borders of her queendom; from the most upstanding citizen all the way down to the worst kind of criminal. Queens don’t have the option to pick and chose which issues they want to give their attention to or turn a blind eye to the issues they don’t feel like dealing with -whatever the issue is, a queen has to look it square in the eye, confront it, and correct it.
My transitions through various stages of my life resemble an extremely complex roller coaster ride. Going from: insecure to confident, weak to powerful, heartbroken to healed, crazy in love to me, myself, and I, and from failure to success. Facing up and down after up and down as I work to fulfill my life’s purpose.
I come from the era where no one spoke much about generational curses or if anything was wrong, best practice was to just sweep it under the rug. We’ve been desensitized to so many things, that even now, it is uncomfortable to admit when something is wrong. By staying silent I realized not only does that hinder my growth, but it also hinders the growth of those who will come after me. You are your secret weapon, you are your own rescue, and your voice is the vessel of your success.
Looking into the mirror I don’t recognize the woman, or lack thereof looking back at me. I was in a position that I would have never in a million years envisioned for myself. I had always been so strong, always been able to see potential threats and remove myself sooner rather than later...yet here I was fighting back tears trying to mix and match just the right concealer/foundation combination to cover the scratches on my face and neck. I also took that time to rack my brain trying to find just the right backup story to tell just in case the makeup coverage wasn’t good enough to cover my scars. As women we wear our game faces so much that I’m programmed to leave whatever happens in my home at home once I step foot out of the door, and get to business. So imagine being choked almost unconscious, your face mashed into the carpet while you are punched in the back of your head repeatedly, and drug across your home, your “safe haven”...then having to wake up the next day and still show up to your corporate office, events, business pitches, meetings, etc. like nothing ever happened...
Fighting so hard to hold on to my power, not wanting to be a “victim” of domestic violence, I continued to cover everything up out of shame. I was so embarrassed at the mere thought of what people would say about me if they knew, so I stayed and pretended. Pretended to be happy, pretended that things were good, pretended that I was the one giving him a hard time, all because I hate being wrong. Out of embarrassment, out of the fear of being wrong - how insanely stupid is that...I WAS TOO EMBARRASSED TO SAVE MY OWN LIFE. I did not see the true severity of my situation until I was out of it -while I was in it I wasn’t scared of him and I could hold my own in a fight (even against a guy), so most times I didn’t see myself as a victim. I pictured victims with black eyes, broken arms, and being stuck with their partner (plus children). Still trying to hold on to my “power” I rationalized that financially I could take care of myself and it wasn’t like I was just lying there taking a beating. I don’t know what it is about domestic violence that makes us want to keep it a secret, but the fact that it is such a taboo topic is the reason it continues to happen.
Ironically, I come from a background of abuse and I had always sworn to myself that I would NEVER allow something like this to happen to me, this would NEVER be me...if this ever happened I would “kill him” along with all these other idle threats. Only thing is, that moment you actually really hurt someone defending yourself, or that moment you think this might be the time he kills you...your entire life flashes before your eyes: all the things you didn’t get to do yet, all the things you’ve settled for, all of the small shit that really never mattered in the first place. Being in an abusive relationship is like attaching a leach to your soul, the longer you stay in it, the less you look like yourself, think like yourself, behave like yourself - it literally drains the life out of you.
Domestic violence is a situation of life and death... now when I see women going through it, I do get scared...because I automatically assume he’s going to kill her. A man is supposed to protect you and if he will physically hurt, then there is no limit to how far he will go. As a queen you have to make the difficult decisions. I made the decision to share a piece of my story...abuse doesn’t deserve silence.